April

I miss Ms Lee. I miss having that person nagging at me, telling me to believe in myself, telling me she believes in me. I miss having her having my back for anything and everything. I miss telling her about everything in my life and vice versa. I miss her. So badly.

Crushing

Selected for Fyp first when my core is supposed to do study path first.

FUCK YOU NYP SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SPOIL MY PLANS

I CAN'T HAVE PIANO LESSONS CAN'T GO FOR PIANO EXAM CAN'T APPLY FOR LASALLE

CAN'T GO TO BANGKOK CAN'T TAKE MY DRIVING LESSON

FUCK YOU NYP
FUCK YOU

Poker face

There was a time I told you,
             of all that ached inside,
             the things I held so sacred,
             to the whole I'd hide.

But they became your weapons,
            and slowly I have learnt,
            and less that is said the better,
            and lesser I'll be hurt.

Of all you've used against me,
            the worse has been my words.

There are things I'll never tell you,
            and it is sad to think it so,
            the more you come to know me -
            the lesser you will know.

- Lang Leav

Loneliness

I meant to write about it
..but this blank white space was all I felt

I'm sorry

I read our archives, and maybe I was really in the wrong. Maybe I asked too much from you, maybe I was too much. Maybe your concern was too overwhelming, maybe I didn't know what you wanted. Maybe you just cared, maybe it was just your way of showing your affection. Maybe you just did, love me, just not the way I wanted.

But it's a shame that I wouldn't ever know whether I was ever missed (or loved).

Maybe I should have given you a chance. Maybe we would have worked out, maybe.. I'm sorry. And maybe, all the "what if" and "could have been" would've been answered..

Just, Maybe.

New kicks

Finally got a new pair of Nike running shoes and I brought them out for a run today -- But I really really prefer my netburners. I guess change is hard but this change is good. Only using things I'm used to isn't good. I need to let go. Move on.

New year resolutions

1. Distinction for Piano Exam
T'was my resolution last year too, but I guess this happens when you take exams every year (or half) but the results come out the year after. I consider my resolution completed because I got Pass with Merit last year, 3 marks short to a Distinction, but I will work harder this year!

2. Driver's license
Was my resolution last year also, but considering the fact that I'm halfway through, so I considered it done. 2 more lessons to go, and hopefully I will pass the exam! (Considering the fact I'm always striking kerbs / mounting kerbs / hitting pole, which are akin to "humans" down)

3. Lose (at least) 5 kg
It's kinda obvious.
I. AM. TOO. FAT

4. Keep a "Be happy, and thankful" jar
To drop a note in it every time something good or eventful happens, and open it up next year during new year's eve. I need to learn that I do not need anything more in my life and not be materialistic as I am now (hopefully).

5. Get a new job
Hopefully also another teacher/teaching job, which can accommodate my busy schedule, but if I don't land myself one teaching job, maybe a retail job in topshop? I am so so so so broke I need money :(

6. BE HAPPY
7. Not quit school
8. and maybe get hitched hahah okay i sound so desperate 
but this guy came and asked for my number just now on my way back from school so maybe resolution might just be fulfilled but i told him i am lesbian and the look on his face was just epic hahah

I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better teacher to my kids (if i ever go back to work) and a better student. I want to graduate smoothly, get over and done with year 2 and hopefully get successfully promoted to year 3 and do a good company would want me for my internship, get a good partner for fyp and successfully complete my shitty poly life.

I am, on the other hand, thinking of dropping out of school too. Trying my luck to see if I can get into the physiotherapy course in nyp, and hopefully they'd want to take me, if not, I'm also going to try for La Salle's audition (finally) for a diploma, if not I'd just do private music studies then apply to La Salle for a degree. There're too many options, I don't know what I want to do in life. Just not doing what I'm studying now.

I hope, determination can get me through this.