I love manicures

Loving my nails now~

what's wrong?

everything. 


friends. 


school. 


boys. 


family.

oh nothing, i’m fine.

Hello

I am not sad. I am not sad.
I think to myself, over and over.

Making sure that the truth isn't apparent.
Lying to myself to make my lie more convincing to others.

I am not sad. I am not sad.
Lying until it isn't a lie anymore, but the truth.

The only thing worse than being sad is having others know you are sad.

I am NOT sad.

Every morning I wake up thinking the day will be better than the one before, and before.
And every night I go to sleep with the same broken promises on my mind, a heavy heart and a heart broken face smile on my face.

I am not sad. I am not sad.

As the days progresses, I find myself wishing to be someone else, somewhere else.

Someone else, somewhere else.

I am NOT sad.

You know

I realized no one has actually really celebrated my birthday, except for the Netball girls, and which I also think that it's not because they want to, but they need to.

I see feeds on facebooks, and posts on blogs about how their whole class can celebrate their birthday for them, get them presents and stuff, get them a cake, dare the birthday girl/boy to do things in public just because it's their birthday.

I mean, I have not received presents for a long time. Neither have I had outings or what nots on my birthday. The most I'll have a cake from my Netball girls, in which less than half of them will turn up. Because usually the whole team in full force will turn up if it's like peiling's or huan's birthday or whoever's in the team. Just not mine.

Yes i admit, I'm envious. But so what? I'm not important anyway. But who I am to complain or compare anyway? I mean it's not my business anyway right? It's just a birthday, like any other day. Why are you making such a big fuss Apryl?

Tired of life

I guess the title's pretty much, self explainatory.

Rehab day 9

Zomg I'm actually penning this entry in the mrt on the way home. Rehab just ended, time check: 5.01pm.

I love weeks when I have rehab, at least I have something to look forward to during the week! :) Rehab was so so so tiring today I nearly died.

Started the session with 10 mins of cycling, followed by 10x single leg hop and squats.

Oh shit old age is catching up on me. I actually forgot what I did zzzzz.

Did hamstring and quads weight lift and I sucked at that terribly. I think I had no improvement.. And yaaaa I think I did 4 sets skipping, both forward and backwards. Then 4 sets of side steps also there and back.

Then I did leg lift (up to the hand, shoulder height), both straight and sidewards. Omgomgomg and I was literally dead after that.

Meiyi put me through the phone to Karen after rehab! Yay. She's coming back :)

Note to self: no running if knees hurt/ add in the leg lift (front and side) to daily exercises/ ice every day if possible

Love love rehab.

At the risk of sounding like a nerd

My classmates and I were into a discussion "what do you normally do after school?" during lunch time.

As we were talking, their answers were mostly "oh, I meet my friends after school" or "going out" (shopping, with boyfriend, etc).

And then I was asked the very same question. I had no answer then because all I knew is that often after school I would head straight home.

But that wasn't an answer. What do I do at home? I realized. I have an answer. I spend most of the time at home after school, before my family gets home (because they complain the sound of the piano is too loud, and I HATE playing with the mute pedal), practicing the piano.

I spend my time playing the same pieces over and over and over again, until it gets perfect for my next piano lesson. Most of the time, I can spend minimally 2 hours in front of the piano. I can practice till my palms get cramps, my knees ache from too much peddling and my back hurts from sitting upright for too long.

Nerd much, no? I choose to be at home practicing the piano when my classmates are out after school. I don't complain. In fact, I enjoy doing it.

I have (at least) one or two new pieces in addition to (at least) one or two pieces I have on hand. That makes it 4 pieces a week I need to get right in another week. It's not easy. Some times I get all the pieces right, some times I don't. But either way, I'll try my best.

Playing the piano is an escape of reality for me. Every single piece I play brings me to a different place with a different feeling. It's like Alice, in her wonderland.

So I have the answer now. What do I do after school? I play the piano. :)

"Artists paint their pictures on canvas, but musicians paint their pictures on silence."

3 more marks

If I had not screw up that scale.
If I had not missed that note during Vendetta.
I probably would have gotten my 3 marks.

I don't know how or what to describe my feelings now.

The weirdest dream

I just woke up and I just had the weirdest dream ever.

I dreamt that someone wanted to kill me because I had powers because she didn't have. (for eg: Harry potter and lord voldermort).

And for some reason I don't know why, I have dinner with her every day and on the dining table, she'd try to use her eye power to kill me.

But however, she wouldn't be able to recognize me if I had a new set of clothes and/or if I'd someone's set of worn clothes on me because I'll have someone else's scent on me thus not being able to track me down.

Then one fine day, everyone swapped clothes with each other but me (wth right?!). And jiamin was the only one without a set of swapped clothes so I begged her to change it with me but she refused. And Jinglin came and she gave me her cardigan.

For some reason I was at grandma's house and I wanted to shit and she refused to let me shit with the door close. I think I wanted to avoid that woman because she was coming over for a dinner. Because of the door thing, she saw me at home and I had to come out to have dinner with her on the same table.

Then she was chasing me, so someone drove a land rover picked me up and Junhao was inside together with Huanhui and two more people. They had a whole bag of clothes for me to choose from.

And that woman who wanted to kill me was chasing me in another car at the back.

And my dream ended.
Abruptly. Oh man. I wish I knew how it ended.

If I lay here

If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Happy birthday ms tay!

Super last min lunch meet up with the girls to eat and to celebrate Ms Tay's birthday as well! Was going crazy doing all the planning, nearly pulled all my hair off my head because it's so hard planning a lunch that caters to 9 people who studies in different schools with different timings! And to cater to Ms Tay's schedule as well. I'm so so so glad the meet up turned out fine. I love my girls so much.

And happy birthday to ms tay!!! My mommy in school (because we look alike, literally, and have the same high forehead), and the favourite teacher who has never ever given up on me. Thank you for all the things you've done for me, for the netball team, and this is why we love you so much.

xoxo, Apryl.

Team

"When all is said and done, it's not the shots that won the championship that you remember, but the friendships you made along the way."

Not the end right?

Everything's going to be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end yet right? How do I tell myself that everything's going to be okay when I already know that everything's not okay? It is not okay. They are not okay. Everything is not going fine. Seriously.

I really wonder how much longer I can hold on. My fingers are losing grip from the pole I was holding onto. Fingers are slowly releasing themselves. They are going to release themselves soon. The walls that were built to hold me back fell down.

"These things are just temporary; they are not permanent. Things will get better soon," these few sentences kept on replaying in my head, albeit a broken recorder.

But those words are not working — these words or rather, sentences are not working. The weights on my brain, they are taking their toll on me.

This is going to be a never ending battle between my heart and my brain. The former says that I'm going to survive, and the latter is currently playing the devil and says that I'm not going to survive.

But honestly, seriously I don't know how much longer I can tolerate these shit. Just how much longer? It's only been 15 months. I've got 22 more months to go... And 22 months is a long way to go...

I can do this. Yes I can.
I can't. I can't. I really can't.

Why of all people, me?
Why? Just what did I do exactly to deserve this? WHAT. Tell me. I really wish to know. Tell me.

I DEMAND FOR AN ANSWER. NOW. Anyone. Just someone. Tell me.

I am so sick of living life like this. Why can everyone lead such happy lives. Why can't i too? Why? Why?

It's okay. I am strong than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me. I'm supposed to be happy, and that's all you should ever see. Nothing else.

But if you're looking for happy, come another day.

I'm not hurt. I'm alright. I'm a lot tougher than some people think.

Maybe I shouldn't expect too much. Maybe I shouldn't expect AT ALL.