Not the end right?

Everything's going to be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end yet right? How do I tell myself that everything's going to be okay when I already know that everything's not okay? It is not okay. They are not okay. Everything is not going fine. Seriously.

I really wonder how much longer I can hold on. My fingers are losing grip from the pole I was holding onto. Fingers are slowly releasing themselves. They are going to release themselves soon. The walls that were built to hold me back fell down.

"These things are just temporary; they are not permanent. Things will get better soon," these few sentences kept on replaying in my head, albeit a broken recorder.

But those words are not working — these words or rather, sentences are not working. The weights on my brain, they are taking their toll on me.

This is going to be a never ending battle between my heart and my brain. The former says that I'm going to survive, and the latter is currently playing the devil and says that I'm not going to survive.

But honestly, seriously I don't know how much longer I can tolerate these shit. Just how much longer? It's only been 15 months. I've got 22 more months to go... And 22 months is a long way to go...

I can do this. Yes I can.
I can't. I can't. I really can't.

Why of all people, me?
Why? Just what did I do exactly to deserve this? WHAT. Tell me. I really wish to know. Tell me.

I DEMAND FOR AN ANSWER. NOW. Anyone. Just someone. Tell me.

I am so sick of living life like this. Why can everyone lead such happy lives. Why can't i too? Why? Why?

It's okay. I am strong than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me. I'm supposed to be happy, and that's all you should ever see. Nothing else.

But if you're looking for happy, come another day.

I'm not hurt. I'm alright. I'm a lot tougher than some people think.

Maybe I shouldn't expect too much. Maybe I shouldn't expect AT ALL.