Looking back

I read my past entries and I've realized my command of the English language was so much better 2 years back. I wondered what exactly happened to it. Maybe once it's lost, it's forever gone. I really hope not because I don't want my command of the language to stay this bad forever.  Nyp, just what have you done to me? Robbed me of my (better) English standard (not that it's that good, but still, it was better) and changed me into a cheena pok.

I really wished I enjoy school. I look at other people enjoying their school life, and only me, hating on school so much every day that I have to drag my feet to school. Why is this only happening to me? I used to enjoy school so much that I wish holidays never ever existed.

I hate myself.
I feel like a dissonant chord now.
It's correct chord but audiences will think it's out of tune.

Hating life right now.

I wish my mom really knew how much I hate school. I really wish she'd try. But she wouldn't. She's not understanding that I'm struggling to pass my modules, she thinks I'm having a easy time because I'm still coping and doing reasonably well for my modules. Do I really have to fail my modules before she'll actually start believing me?

Mommy are you reading this? I hope you are. Words never get conveyed to you because I don't bother explaining myself further because you never ever believe a word I say.

Thankful

Thank you for letting me be me around you.

Thank you for never once judging me with all my silly problems in life.

Thank you for being there when my world was crumbling down on me.

Thank you for answering my past-midnight calls when I needed someone.

Thank you for tearing that wall down that was built around me.

Thank you for letting me be all childish and crazy with you.

Thank you for being in my life.

Both of Us

“and sometimes I wonder, why we care so much about the way we look and the way we talk and the way we act and the clothes we bought, how much that cost, does it even really matter?”

Fake smiles

Just gotta be seen smiling every day.
Whether you like it or not.
Suck it up.
That's how it rolls.

30DC - Day 5

5 Places you want to visit:

USA
Paris
Bangkok (haha)
Taiwan
Venice

30DC - Day 4

The meaning behind your tumblr name:

It was a really really random name!
Because I wanted a name close to the heart (bullshit, yes I know)
and something related to Experiment 626
and I figured out that stitch(es) comes in a package with threads
so there!

Motivation

Exams are finally over and the past week has been one of the most stressful weeks I'd for a while. It wasn't much of the "exams are coming" kind of stress, but rather they're the kind of "I seriously don't know anything because I haven't been paying much attention in class" kind of stress and wanting to learn everything I've learnt for the past 8 weeks in just a week.

I know it's my fault for being that way, although I'd admit that I was really daydreaming for most of the math lectures. But I really paid attention for programming which I really understood nothing, and Mr Chai isn't much of a help though. But this is tertiary education and I can't do much about teachers not wanting to teach and having PMS all of a sudden for some godforsaken reason.

And after 1 week of intense mugging, I finally got my math somewhere up, with the help of Felicia who taught me a lot of math!!! She's a freaking genius I swear. And programming paper was....(finds word to insert) no comments. I really really hope to pass.

I have 6 more days before the new term starts, which equates more stress because it's when all the projects are due and I have many on hand which are undone (partly because they're group work and we're all busy during the holidays...excuses yes I know). And I'm someone who can't handle stress well.

I don't know why, I have more motivation in getting a really difficult piece on the piano rather than studying......I really wanna enjoy studying like how I really enjoy playing the piano. Sigh.

Okay abrupt ending my brain isn't function really well tonight.

Friendless, but it's okay.

"I guess I chose to, again, draw the line.
I just feel it would be really complicated to mix the personal and the professional.
One friend is more than enough,
I'd rather just have my social circle,
Which you can't even call a circle 'cos I have only a few friends.
So if we go out for dinner.
I'd be able to put away the work"
- Rui En

Exact same thoughts I have right now.
I have no friends, but that's okay.
It's better than having a thousand fake friends all around.
What's the problem with spending time alone?
I like spending time alone, I don't know why people are so scared of being alone.

Rehab day 8

My knee's having a fever.
So apparently it's rather inflamed right now :(

Knee's been hurting so no weight bearing exercises for today!
Did weights for quads and hamstring, and my strength improved!
Didn't take note of the weights though..

Was talking about jobs and was asked by meiyi to do pt.
But there's no way I can do pt unless I go overseas :(
So meiyi suggested for me to do music therapy! :)
But I just checked it out... No school's offering art/music therapy for bachelor's degree.
Sigh..

Balanced on the air space thingy, then switched over to the foam board.
Threw balls while balancing on that, but I sucked at it cos I couldn't multitask.
Went up and down the steps for a while.
Then did 90 deg leg lift!
Then 10 minutes cycle which nearly killed me.

Was fun!
I love physio.
So much laughter and joy.

30 DC - Day 3

Your day, in great detail:

I woke up at 4.30 am in attempt to revise and do some math, in which I succeeded, and was done with it at around 5.40 and went back to sleep, and I slept in till 11am.

After waking up, I went to wash up, and ate two bananas for brunch and lazed around, using instagram and surfing the net with my phone. Soon after that, I went to bathe and change and head out of the house for my piano lesson. I took 859 to the mrt station and alighted at Orchard MRT station.

I bumped into le dearest piano teacher on the way and we walked to kms together. I watched the teacher ate her lunch before we started our lesson. I didn't bring any books for lesson today -- I thought it'd be a new start for me because exams were finally over but I don't know why everyone at kms found it funny that I didn't bring any books.

We went through a bit of theory and we had some htht after that. (I'm so glad apart from being my teacher, she's like my advisor about life, everything.) We went to choose new books for my lesson and we settled for Heller's technical book for fingering, and I'll have another new book next week! Yay. I haven't played a new song since six months ago.. So I was really looking forward to playing new songs.

We tried playing the "Heart and Soul" duet, which was an ultimate failure because WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY :( But we'll try again next week! I hope we'll succeed though.. :) Then the teacher played the songs from the new book for me to listen, taught me about the history about the musicians, and the pieces of songs; why they composed the songs and what were their feelings as they did so, and that went on for quite a long time. Lesson ended quite soon after because this lesson was an hour only!

Met Carmelle after the lesson and as planned, we had Everything with Fries for late lunch! I had the Pork Katsu burger, and she had the slider! We both had sour cream and onion fries and we lovvvved it so much! She's like my twin, literally because we love the same things! :) So glad to have her as my friend. And meeting her every fortnight is becoming a habit.

We caught up for quite a while and we did some window shopping, and I bumped into Charmaine at KnightsBridge's Topshop! I think my restraint of buying things is getting better!!!!! (Carmelle is going to shake her head at this statement tho ;p) We continued (window) shopping (but not very window because we STILL had to buy something) until we reached the other end of orchard so we setttled down for Sour Sally, our standard routine! :)

OKAY IM LAZY TO CONTINUE

I HAVE REHAB TOMORROW

ITS 1244 AM ALREADY

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO REHAB

AND SEEING MEIYI TOMORROW

(not studying after that)

Bye xx

Post piano exam

After six months of  (2 hr/lesson) crazy intensifying piano lessons, the most dreaded piano exam is finally over. I finally understand what it meant by screwing up even with so much effort and practice put in. I chose to start the exam with scales+arpeggios/exercises, and when the examiner requested for the Bb harmonic minor scale, I totally blanked out, and I really meant blanked out. I couldn't remember what on earth was that scale.. I didn't know what I played for that four octaves of scales, up and down. I really don't know. I wish I could slap myself on the face. I practiced so hard, done so much, and I screwed up the very first item. I missed notes here and there during the 3 songs, but I don't know whether the examiner noticed it, I'm sure he did, but I'm crossing fingers here that he did not. Sight reading was a screw up, I'm as bad as always. Ear test wasn't that bad after all,  I hope.  Only couldn't spot the final question on changes for pitch. Sigh. I hope to do well. Maybe I should say, I hope to pass. I worked so hard for this.. I really did.

30DC - Day 2

10 likes & dislikes

Likes:
1. Playing the piano
2. Attending Piano lessons
3. Attending physiotherapy sessions
4. Lilo & STITCH
5. Taylor swift + her songs
6. The colours red, pink, yellow
7. Eating good food
8. Buying new clothes
9. Tight tight hugs
10. Handwritten letters, things from the heart

Dislikes:
1. SCHOOL, I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL (even dislike is an understatement)
2. Attending school
3. Going to school
4. Not being able to study music, psychology, physiotherapy
5. Not being able to play Netball
6. School
7. No best friend
8. School
9. School
10. Still school

30DC - Day 1

Write some basic things about yourself:

Apryl
Eighteen
Female
Singaporean

30 days challenge

Wanna try this out!

Sometimes I wonder

What I really want in life. I'm in a course that I absolutely hate, and I really dread going to school every single day. And I really really mean dread. It's seriously a chore to drag my feet to school everyday and I don't even know why I even attend school. I mean, I attend school just because I have no, not that I want to. This dread is becoming fear. I really fear going to school everyday, to pay attention in lectures/tutorials/labs and not understand a single thing. Not because I don't want to, because I cannot understand. It's not within my means. I'm really not cut out for this course. And I'm not giving up without a fight. I tried studying. Sk hard. But I'm still doing really badly. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Why am I studying something I dread, I fear, so badly? It doesn't help that my tutors has given up on me, has been constantly telling me I'm in the wrong course. I mean, if I had a choice, I wouldn't be here too right?

I want to go to school because I want to. No body understands the fear I am facing just having to go to school alone. I wish somebody did. I want to study something I'm interested in, something I'm passionate about, something I'm willing to take as my job in the future. But all these seem so.. Far. They seem like a dream. And dreams and reality are mutually exclusive. They do not co-exist.

I'm trying to love what I'm doing. But the current situation isn't helping me. I want to study something I really like, love. I'm lost. I need a direction. I'm tired. I'm drained. Do you understand the tiredness I face just by dreading to go to school everyday alone? You don't.

Rehab day 7

BY FAR THE MOST TORTUROUS REHAB SESSION IN HISTORY, MEIYI WAS INSANE TODAY I SWEAR.

Hahaha, it was tiring but still fun! So apparently I haven't been doing my squats properly so I had to change my posture.

24 dynamic lunges X 3 sets
Hamstring lift (L/R) 12 each X 3 sets
Quads lift (L/R) 12 each X 3 sets
Back leg lift 12 each X 3 sets
Single leg squats (L) 12 each X 3 sets

So far my leg strength is crazily weak, so I really really got to work on that. 60 pounds / 7 pounds (Quads x Hamstring) for left leg,
30 pounds / 1 pound for right leg.

The whole rehab center knows that I had hell rehab today, haha. But I'm so glad for all of these. So glad to be in paeds because my therapists wants me to get well more than I want myself. :) :) :) I'm thankful.

Virgin post op run

Decked in team canberra's jersey because i felt more motivated to run in it. Because I know they'll always have my back. ;)

Ran about 3 km and it took around 15-20 minutes. Not a lot, but I'm trying. Was tiring but am glad I managed to complete the distance without stopping! Knee's still very weak and I can really feel it but I will work on it. :)

Or so they say

Everyone's telling you,
"Just be happy"
(as if it's such an easy thing)

But it's so hard
To leave yourself
When you're running from..

Yourself.