GEB River Safari Adventure

On the 17th of  October, the GEB family brought the students from the Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore (MINDS) to the River Safari for some Adventure because the river was calling and we finally answered..

Tq

What I had wished for was to go to places with you - travel the world, go to someplace new, go to someplace we always did. Just anywhere as long as I was with you. 

What I had wished for was to be with you - be it just holding hands and strolling along, watching a show, or sleeping with you. Just as long as I was with you.

What I had wished for was for you to tell me that we will find a way to be together.



But I tell myself that maybe we met at the wrong time. That maybe a few years down the road, if fate allows, we will meet and we would’ve grown. Maybe then, we would be what each other needed and not only what we both wanted. Because we all know that what we want may not be what we need.



I have fought for you, fought harder for you than anything or anyone else before. God knows I tried. But how do you fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for? How do you fight for someone who has clearly given up? So maybe this is the art of letting go - you accept that you have done all you could, let go, and move on.

Right now, I still want you. I still miss you. God knows how much. But I also want the both of us to be happy. Even if that means we can’t be together right now. I love you, baby. Always.

Maybe

Maybe things don't happen for a reason.
Maybe we're just grasping for ways to make sense of the chaos around us.
Maybe we're giving meaning to things that have no meaning.
Maybe we're clinging to hop so hard that forget about reality.

What if we're wrong and nothing is meant to be?
We're just lost souls, wandering aimlessly, desperately seeking comfort from the notion that things will work out in the end no matter what.

What if we've tricked ourselves into believing that everything will be okay in the end so we don't have to face the reality that maybe it won't?

Maybe.

What do you look forward to every morning?

I came across one of these notes somewhere on the internet and it really got me thinking, very deeply. Every time when I meet someone or when I bump into someone, the most frequently asked question would be, "How're you?", or "How's your day?"

Honestly, I think that's a rhetorical question that need not be answered. People would say "I'm fine" or "I'm good" just for the sake of answering your greeting. I'm not the most articulate person, but if you're going  to reply someone with "No, I'm not good", really, don't expect genuinely concerned answer, people are most likely going to ask because they want to know what's happening and not that they're really concerned about your matters.

But, really, what do you look forward to every morning? Do you look forward to school? Do you look forward to work? Or do you drag your feet to school, like me? Or do you drag your feet to work?

Expectations.

Are you living based on someone else's expectations? Do you have dreams? Ambitions? Aspirations? Did you grow up wanting to be a particular (job title) only for your O level results to crush you to deep rock bottom? Because you failed your English / Math / Science only to be stuck in a horrible course that can't bring you anywhere, other than attaining the diploma cert and hopefully land yourself in a better university course or a better job with no relation to your course.

Are you going to wake up to your job that pays 2k a month, scrimp and save every day, just to get married in a posh 5-star hotel and throw a 100 table banquet only to start your whole marriage in a pool of debt? Buy a HDB or maybe condo, and spend the next 5 centuries paying back the housing loan. Then form a family, sending your children to the best prestigious schools with all the extra curriculum that isn't all that needed except spoiling their childhood.

My question is simple, what do you look forward to every morning? And who are you living for? If you are going to live your entire life being manipulated (maybe this word is a tad too strong) then obviously one day when you snap out of your unconsciousness and regain your consciousness, it is probably going to be too late.. Too late to even salvage anything.

Are you just happy going to school/ work at maybe 7am in the morning, spend the rest of your day in front of the computers or desks till 7pm, squeeze in the crowded trains home, reaching home way too tired to do anything, and start your day whole from start again?

Or are you genuinely happy? Because you're really living a life?
Many are alive, but barely breathing.

The sky is beautiful but the people are sad.
It's probably time to start living for yourself.

I'm not happy at my intern place, but I'm contented.
I really am.

Extremes

Extremes — A team I felt like I was never  a part of. I was always needed, for help and other miscellaneous stuff; never for playing for the team nor training. My attendance was not less than any other players yet I was never given the chance to train with the main team or participate in events. I don't know why either but it's all passé. Just happened to chance upon this picture in my phone thus this paragraph. 

Work

Grade 8

Took grade 8 last Friday and it was amazing. Enjoyed myself thoroughly and I can say it's because I gave it my all and I didn't screw up except for sight reading. I'd give anything to take another practical exam, anytime. I enjoyed every second of my performance, I was smiling through the pieces and the examiner told me, "I can tell you're enjoying yourself, it's such a pleasure seeing you play!" Thank you examiner, that meant the world to me. :) 

I am done with my exams and I am lost. I am teacher-less for the next 3 weeks and I find myself aimless. I don't have a direction to work towards to and I am bored. I need piano lessons to begin, pronto. 

You saw it coming

  

Words I wish I listened to 3 years ago. It all happened. I had faith. My faith is gone.   Even though it was mostly my fault. 

piano mock exam

Once again.

I screwed it up. I screwed up my scales, I played the wrong scales, I hit the wrong notes, my fingers didn't match each other and I could say nothing but I screwed up. The examiner (my principal) was so nice to let me play the scales again. It was another 4 octaves of nonsense.

 My fingers twisted in Variation 4 of Air and Variations in E, I couldn't find the notes and I just stopped playing. It took a while to restore my confidence to start playing variation 5. That must have took a fair bit of my marks away. Principal said my waltz was a mess, it didn't sound like a dance at all. Tempi was off all the way, and it needed a lot of improvement. Blue Air was okay, but it needed more colour. But I tried to make the dynamic contrast sound the best I can, but it wasn't enough....

Song of Love was alright, until I screwed Strides for the exercises. Sight reading was shit I can't even find the words to describe it. I hope aural is okay enough to salvage my score.

Principal was nice enough to go through what sucked in my pieces and gave me pointers to improve on my playing. I mean, she literally went through each score and told me what was bad (not good). I guess I needed that, criticism from a third party's point of view. The most genuine ones. And I took it positively, even though I didn't feel good. But it was necessary, she wasn't looking down on me, she was trying to help me. I know. She told me to work harder.

But she doesn't know the amount of effort I put into practicing just for the upcoming exam. The amount of time I sacrifice from my sleep just to practice - only to go to school looking like a zombie. I guess, it's not enough. I HAVE to work harder. I will. I will not disappoint.

Baby Arthur!

I carried a baby for the first time in my life.
Hello baby Arthur, I hope you'll grow up to be a happy child. Because that's what's most important.

X

19

Birthday celebration at Timbre @ the Substation with the girls. I mean, look at that smile on my face. I was nothing but happiest that night.

Pms

I hate pms. I flare up so easily and snap at people at the slightest reason. But I have no control over my emotions. I don't like it.

Happy birthday Meiyi

Thank you for being more than a physiotherapist. Thank you for being my friend. For listening, for nagging and everything. My knee and I wouldn't be what I am today if not for you. Love ya deep deep. /hugs

I love my job

Nathen confessed to Zhijun today and Zhijun confessed back. It was such a cute scene :)

Sometimes I drag my feet to work, but when I see my kids smile and say, "yay teacher apryl, you're here today are you taking our class?" Makes it all worthwhile.

Okay but not fine at all

You know, as much as I tell myself that I've moved on from Netball and the injury, there are some times (like this) when I actually sit down, and fall into self pity on how I got injured and didn't play zonals.

I mean, I've -finally- got over everything, yes. But there're times like this when I just recall everything and I just miss playing Netball. I do not want to actually play it now competitively, but I wish I was there playing when others were. It has become this emptiness that resides in me and it will never be filled in because all there is now, are unfulfilled regrets.

I'm okay, really.

Happy birthday knee, you're one!

Am thankful.
Be stronger than before okay?

Love, Apryl

Burger bar

Simple afternoon spent. Burger Bar for lunch at Far East, burger's pretty awesome. Got couple floral vectra 5s, perfume tested the whole afternoon away, went to ymca for job interview together.

April

I miss Ms Lee. I miss having that person nagging at me, telling me to believe in myself, telling me she believes in me. I miss having her having my back for anything and everything. I miss telling her about everything in my life and vice versa. I miss her. So badly.

Crushing

Selected for Fyp first when my core is supposed to do study path first.

FUCK YOU NYP SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SPOIL MY PLANS

I CAN'T HAVE PIANO LESSONS CAN'T GO FOR PIANO EXAM CAN'T APPLY FOR LASALLE

CAN'T GO TO BANGKOK CAN'T TAKE MY DRIVING LESSON

FUCK YOU NYP
FUCK YOU

Poker face

There was a time I told you,
             of all that ached inside,
             the things I held so sacred,
             to the whole I'd hide.

But they became your weapons,
            and slowly I have learnt,
            and less that is said the better,
            and lesser I'll be hurt.

Of all you've used against me,
            the worse has been my words.

There are things I'll never tell you,
            and it is sad to think it so,
            the more you come to know me -
            the lesser you will know.

- Lang Leav

Loneliness

I meant to write about it
..but this blank white space was all I felt

I'm sorry

I read our archives, and maybe I was really in the wrong. Maybe I asked too much from you, maybe I was too much. Maybe your concern was too overwhelming, maybe I didn't know what you wanted. Maybe you just cared, maybe it was just your way of showing your affection. Maybe you just did, love me, just not the way I wanted.

But it's a shame that I wouldn't ever know whether I was ever missed (or loved).

Maybe I should have given you a chance. Maybe we would have worked out, maybe.. I'm sorry. And maybe, all the "what if" and "could have been" would've been answered..

Just, Maybe.

New kicks

Finally got a new pair of Nike running shoes and I brought them out for a run today -- But I really really prefer my netburners. I guess change is hard but this change is good. Only using things I'm used to isn't good. I need to let go. Move on.

New year resolutions

1. Distinction for Piano Exam
T'was my resolution last year too, but I guess this happens when you take exams every year (or half) but the results come out the year after. I consider my resolution completed because I got Pass with Merit last year, 3 marks short to a Distinction, but I will work harder this year!

2. Driver's license
Was my resolution last year also, but considering the fact that I'm halfway through, so I considered it done. 2 more lessons to go, and hopefully I will pass the exam! (Considering the fact I'm always striking kerbs / mounting kerbs / hitting pole, which are akin to "humans" down)

3. Lose (at least) 5 kg
It's kinda obvious.
I. AM. TOO. FAT

4. Keep a "Be happy, and thankful" jar
To drop a note in it every time something good or eventful happens, and open it up next year during new year's eve. I need to learn that I do not need anything more in my life and not be materialistic as I am now (hopefully).

5. Get a new job
Hopefully also another teacher/teaching job, which can accommodate my busy schedule, but if I don't land myself one teaching job, maybe a retail job in topshop? I am so so so so broke I need money :(

6. BE HAPPY
7. Not quit school
8. and maybe get hitched hahah okay i sound so desperate 
but this guy came and asked for my number just now on my way back from school so maybe resolution might just be fulfilled but i told him i am lesbian and the look on his face was just epic hahah

I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better teacher to my kids (if i ever go back to work) and a better student. I want to graduate smoothly, get over and done with year 2 and hopefully get successfully promoted to year 3 and do a good company would want me for my internship, get a good partner for fyp and successfully complete my shitty poly life.

I am, on the other hand, thinking of dropping out of school too. Trying my luck to see if I can get into the physiotherapy course in nyp, and hopefully they'd want to take me, if not, I'm also going to try for La Salle's audition (finally) for a diploma, if not I'd just do private music studies then apply to La Salle for a degree. There're too many options, I don't know what I want to do in life. Just not doing what I'm studying now.

I hope, determination can get me through this.