2012

Filter them out

"I wish I could throw off the thoughts which poison my happiness. And yet I take a kind of pleasure in indulging them."

— Frédérick Chopin

Just because

"I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, doesn't mean I don't have feelings."

CHRISTMAS!

3 years

3 years ago, today, on 23rd of December, my only wish for Christmas was to be able to (start) walking properly.

3 years later, my wishes for Christmas is to own many many many pairs of sky high heels and stilettos.

My dead knee turns three today. Happy deathsary my dear knee. I miss you, terribly. I miss my knee before injury. So badly.

But the next time I'd want to be wheeled in to an operating theatre would be when I've to give birth, nothing else. I miss you acl, do you hear me?

21st December.

Spent 21st December, which was supposedly the end of the World, with this girl.

Friends - not the people you knew the for the longest

but it's who came, and never left your side.

Valse de L'Adieu

The waltz is in A-flat major, with a time signature of 3/4. The tempo is marked at tempo di valse, or a waltz tempo. The beginning theme, marked con espressione, is melancholic and nostalgic, and reaches a small high point with a fast flourish. The second part is marked sempre delicatissimo, or con anima in other versions. It is somewhat more cheerful that the previous theme, but soon gives way to the same first theme. After a second rendition of the first theme is a third theme, marked as dolce, the most playful theme. It leads to another theme with a series of ascending double-stops. This fourth theme is marked poco a poco crescendo, with other editions adding ed appassionato. This leads back to the third, playful theme, and returns back to the beginning with a da capo al fin.

the song that represents (all) the romance that never was
i feel chopin's sorrow

9th month post op!

It has been an amazing journey. From walking into the hospital to be wheeled into the surgery waiting area, then wheeled into the operating theatre, witnessing the huge lights and seeing surgeons with their surgical masks. Then waking up in a hospital, being on a drip, etc.

Starting physiotherapy with Karen, then with Meiyi taking over. Thankful for the two beautiful women who changed my life over the short span of (1 year and) 9 months. It was amazing witnessing myself taking my first few steps again I vividly remember Karen pulling my shorts to prevent me from falling, and then I started jumping and Meiyi was there with her hands for me to grab and was a pole for me whenever I needed support, even when doing squats. Soon after I witness myself starting to run, then faster and faster and getting more even with my footsteps. Words can never express my gratitude to them because they've shown me that I can take on the world, even without an ACL.

Feeling empty that I'm officially off physio, but I'm glad I've made it through and would never want to be back again.

OFF PHYSIO

Officially off physiotherapy although I still think I'm not ready yet despite my strength, jumps, etc were "good enough" for my return to Netball.

Maybe I should try to stop being where I was, last time, being a competitive athlete. Maybe I should just stop trying to achieve where I was when I fell down.

Then I look back and there, I see myself during training, able to complete 2.4km within 12 mins, suicide run in 25 seconds (being one of the faster ones), running and sprinting without having to bother whether my knee can take it, "flying" on court, doing nice interceptions, etc. There're too many countless things.

But the thing is, I can't do any of those right now.

I take 20 mins to complete 2.4km. I can't sprint. I feel slower than a snail despite trying my very best. Sometimes I wonder if this ACL recon was even worth it. I've lost all my strength on court.

Maybe I should stop trying.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this.

I miss netball.
I miss competitive netball.

Monday blues

My network technology lab tutor indirectly called me hopeless today. Usually I'll just shriek and laugh it off, but I feel exceptionally demoralized today. I know I'm better than this in filtering comments but I don't know why I'm letting this rule my head tonight. I mean, who wants to be bad in something. I also want to be good at your module. Why am I the lousy student? Why can't you be the useless tutor? Why is it always my fault? I hate school. I hate NYP.

Rehab day 14

Quads 90%
Hamstring 50%

Hate it when the mind says "go", but the knee says "no".....

RED

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind
Passionate as sin, ended so suddenly
Loving him is like trying to change your mind
Once you’re already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn
So bright just before they lose it all

Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark grey all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red

Touching him is like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you never found out love could be that strong


You never knew I did, too, M.

Ling's 18th

Goodbye

My new timetable is out, and it sucks because I cannot work because I end school pretty late almost everyday and I'm back to a 5 day work week. I am already missing my kids so badly. Hopefully the next time I'm able to see them is in December? If I decide to renew my contract, that is.

Chesley & Ler En, please continue to stay this charming! I hope the both of you continue to work hard and charm a lot of girls when the both of you grow older. :)

I hope Brayan grows up and be less emotionally attached to the teachers, learn how to do his work by himself even though he's really very very smart.

Ying Xuan, I hope your (new) teacher will remember that you like to bathe in cold water.

Thank you Xavier Quek and Bryan Tan for being such helpful upper Ps and scolding your peers when you know I get really angry.

Jing En, I really wish you've got your money sense right because I'm sorry I left before making you fully understand the chapter of money which you really don't understand. I will miss tying plaits for you during break time.

I hope Ammar will be really happy, as his nickname goes: "mr happy". Please learn help yourself more because no one can do that for you. Learn to know the difference between good and bad okay?

Thank you Yu Jia for your paper hearts on my second day of work. You've been such a nice girl, always taking care of your classmates when they need help, teaching them work after I've taught you so. You've been such a joy :)

Victoria! Please learn to control your voice, I hope your (new) teacher or the teachers won't have shout at you as many times as I do, and sit properly during class, don't whine so much because that's not going to make you look pretty.

Please don't mumble Shi Xuan, because most of the time I only hear you mumble and you talk really fast! Haha.

Ji Ning, please stop crying over the simplest things, your sister is coming in next year! I sincerely hope you'll toughen up and be a brave girl!

Thank you Joella for all the little drawings and storybooks you've gave me. Please do not talk so much and annoy the shit out of your teachers okay?

Small and medium Rachel(s), together with Hui Wen, Geok Theng and Ashley, I will miss hearing your gossips about Pui Yi during shower, and taking care of your water babies.

And to those that I've not mentioned, teacher apryl still loves you. :) thank you for this wonderful work experience.

From London

I am still very disappointed with myself.

I expected more from myself.

My teacher had high expectations of me.

I had even higher expectations of myself.

Yet I still failed to deliver good results.

Rehab day 13

Hamstring and quads weights leg lift, single leg squats, single leg bridging, dynamic lunges. Butt aching like hell now but I am loving the aches!

Teacher Apryl

Been on a marking spree today. Marked and cleared many correction today, but enjoying it. I love my kids. Second last day of work. I am going to miss them until I get back soon :(

and it’s hard

it’s hard when strangers know you better
than the friends you’ve had for five years

it’s hard when the sun seems to shine
everywhere you fail to step

and it’s sad

it’s sad that you’ve got this huge bed
and no one willing to lie down in it

it’s so very sad that when you’re at your loneliest
everyone finds that it’s the perfect time to disappear

but it’s okay

it’s okay because your friends may not know you
but those strangers do

it’s okay that the sun shines away from you
because there’s nothing wrong with a little shade

and it’s fine

it’s fine that no one else is in your bed
because you happen to like sleeping in the center

it’s fine that people aren’t around sometimes
because it makes the ones that are
shine brighter than the sun

and i could use a little more light in my life

MBS

People whom I can genuinely call friends.

I wish

I wish I had:

A more relaxed wrist that allows me to play single hand of long music passages beautifully.

More flexible fingers, so that I can play finger trills easily, so my scales will sound better, so my music I play will not sound so stiff.

To be better at sight reading so I can play many many more pieces with ease and not be stuck trying to count the notes with every bar.

For better leg coordination so that I will pedal properly as deemed by the score sheet and not as and when I deem fit so that the music I play will sound "clean".

To be better at theory so it will help me to analyse a piece better, be it enharmonic equivalents, counting of notes, rhythmic sense, etc.

To be a better pianist. I want to play all sorts of beautiful songs, and play them as interpreted by the composers, and not by the score sheets.

Sheryl's birthday

Met Sheryl for dinner at Pique Nique after her work for a simple birthday dinner for her. Stayed over at her house after that, slept at 4am in the morning. Breakfast + Lunch at her house the next day, and dinner at grandma's. Great catch up...... :)

Happy birthday, I hope you will be happy forever ever ever. I love you, and thank you for always being there.

First movie of the year

RESIDENT EVIL

WAS DAMN EXCITING OMG

LI BING BING WAS DAMN HOT

SO WAS THE MAIN FEMALE LEAD

BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME

BUT THE MOVIE WAS SO EXCITING

YOU SHOULD WATCH IT TOO :)

Oh yes

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late

Rehab day 12

Did lots of weights, squats and lunges. Started with hamstring and quads weight lift x 2 sets. Then was single leg squats on blue foam, wobble board and blue circle air thingy and without anything. Couldn't balance initially but Meiyi was there holding my hips stomach butt as I was doing, letting me hold her hand and promising she'll never let me fall.

I'm so glad because with rehab I've learnt how to trust people when they say they'll never let me fall (like literally).

Moving on I did legs lift both sideways and upwards, with 2 kilos of weight which was hell. And I saw miss toh at rehab too! Such a coincidence. Then dynamic lunges front and back, 2 sets! Crazy shit tiring but I hope I'll have muscle aches tomorrow when I wake up :)

Piano lesson was next, nothing different but was so enjoyable! Nothing better than doing everything you love on the same day! Lots of mistakes in theory, must really buck up. Learnt new pieces oh yay. :)

Met up with Fadhilah and even though it was a short meet up but it was fun while it lasted! I had a really good day today!

bittersweet

maybe it's true bout' what they say 

there are many people whom you encounter in life 

but there's this one you never really got over 

no matter how many other better people you met 

no matter how many people loves you and treats you better 

always in the back of your mind, 

there's always that person that you can't quite completely forget.

Kuishinbo with BFF

OKAY.

But who can remember pain once it's over?

All that remains of it is a shadow.

Not in the mind even, in the flesh.

Pain marks you, but too deep to see.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I'm employed!

Got employed with YMCA as casual staff, pay's really quite pathetic though. But it's okay, I need the experience so I can do what I want to do in the future! Starting work the week after, I don't know how I should feel, happy maybe? I don't know though. But despite the pathetic pay, the best thing about this job that it really is casual - which means I can work as and when I am free, no strings attached! Love this kind of freedom!

JOBHUNT

Been sending out countless numbers of resumes to many different companies until I CANNOT EVEN KEEP TRACK. Shortlisted for an interview yesterday and when the person called me, I was like,

 "Who are you? Why are you calling me Come again, which company are you from? Oh? So I did apply for a job with your company. I'm so sorry I really forgot about it, haha"

 Okay that was laoookuiiii max.

BUT they wanted me to go down today, at 5.30 for the interview but I have a damn exam. SHIT YOU STATS. Ruined me my chance of getting a job. I really really really need a job. I'm so broke I can't even

I need to save money, I want to study something I like. I need to save money for my education. Overseas maybe? Or private education. I don't know, haven't given that special thought. Psychology? Music? Physiotherapy? I want to study them all.

I need the money. I REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE SOMEONE EMPLOYS ME :(

Dreams

Watching the documentary on physiotherapists, and it has really really really inspired me to become one in the future, just like Karen and Meiyi. I see how they change lives, just like how they've changed mine, and I also want to be like them too! I want to make a difference in people's life, in one way or another.

But dreams are still dreams after all, and sometimes dreams are always unreachable and unattainable. No university in Singapore offers physiotherapy as a course... And I've got no money to go overseas to study. Sigh. Back to reality.

Do dreams ever come true?

Confessions

I haven't studied for today's paper. At all. And I also haven't studied for tomorrow's paper too, not even the slightest bit.

School this semester has made me hate school like never before. It's like hate being brought up to another level. I don't even want to see books or anything related because it's just so... (finds word to fit).

I've kept all my lecture notes right from Y1S1 but 2 weeks back right after the RAD paper, I went home and threw all related materials away. This is how much I hate school. And today, right after the SEP paper, I will do the same, and this process will also repeat for Stats and IS.

I just can't wait to get my ass out of school. This is becoming so unbearable. I'm staring at my notes now, trying to start studying but here I am, typing this post out on my phone.

Oh well. All these is going to be over in less than 10 days. I don't want distinctions, I only want to pass.

Doctor's Review

Review on the knee today with Prof and I was really turned off with him. He was desperately trying to say I'm fat and all his ACL patients are very fit and I was one of the very rare few "unfit" athletes. Prof, had your hospital reviewed me 3 year ago, I'd probably be as fit as all your other ACL patients too you know? Oh the joke's on me? Oops, I forgot to laugh.

Anyway he said my knee's in good shape but I think it really isn't :( Ambulation isn't good, there's still sharp pain when going against gravity, still lopsided when I run, but oh well, Prof has the last say aye?

Hello gorgeous

You're finally mine!

EWF!

Met this crazy girl for lunch at Everything With Fries despite my diet plan which wasn't actually working hahaha. Caught up with each other's life during lunch and had a great time doing what we do best - gossiping about other people :p Short, but great time spent together! Need to do more of these more often! :)

You can overcome this

Your thoughts are not who you are; they are not reality. You can have all sorts of concepts of water, but they can't quench your thirst. Thoughts are not the truth. If you can recognize that, your thoughts have less power over you; you can let them go.

Rehab day 11

I'm so tired I can die. 5mins of warm up cycling followed by 3mins + 7mins cycling (with some testing of strength of knee in between). 3 sets of 10 x quads + hamstring weights leg lift. I think my strength is improving! Oh yes. Maybe like by 1kg? Then 3 sets of 10 x double leg wall squats with the big ball. Then 3 sets of 10 x static lunges x both legs. And i died and went to rainbow heaven after that.

The pain

The pain of discipline

vs

The pain of disappointment.

I must make it a point to run (almost) everyday during the holidays. Maybe not the weekends and days when I have rehab.. :p I need to try. Need to do. Need to. Still can feel my leg being so so so weak. Weak. I don't want weak legs.

Okay?

"It’s okay. It’s okay to want someone you can’t have. It’s okay to want something more. It’s okay to cry when you’re hurt, and it’s okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. Believe it or not, it’s always going to be okay. That’s just how it works. Sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. But eventually, everything is going to iron out some way or another. You just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on."

National day '12

Heaved a big Big BIG sigh of relief when Mr Lee Kuan Yew walked into the parade, alive, but was such a sentimental moment because it suddenly hit me that as the nation progresses, he's growing old too. It saddens me to see him so old.. Long live PM Lee!

Canberran alumni homecoming '12

A little overdue but, yeaaah some of my favorite pictures of the night ;) Got to meet my Netball girls, and miss lee too!

Thankful for the Netball girls being in my life. I really cannot imagine myself being in any other cca except for Netball. They have seen me at my best, and at my worst, crying, sweating, dying on court; during training. I love you girls!

Hello holidays!

Even staring in the air doing nothing the whole day is more interesting than going to school for a day!

Had Internet programming paper yesterday, and after that I met Sheryl for lunch and we spent the whole afternoon just talking and enjoying her company ;)

Life is good, for now.

What are words

I believe it's almost impossible to define what real music is. If you try to put into words what music is trying to say, then you have words, not music. This is why I play music; I have something I believe in, something I try to communicate, but I can't put into words. So I play; it's my way of expressing what I cannot verbalize.

- Vladimir Ashkenazy

The pedal plays an important part in voicing, too. Most of the young pianists today use the pedal as a crutch. Maybe it's because they've been brought up in the automobile age, but they use the pedal on a piano as an accelerator in a cat. To use their phrase, they just "sit on it". They don't feel right unless the accelerator is constantly depressed. Consequently, you seldom hear a real legato. They playing is so notey that the new pianists cannot play a legato if they take the foot off the piano. They were not trained to play in any other fashion. They use the pedal to cover ip sins they commit because of a void in their technical facility. When the pedal is used, it should be only for shading and for accent. But a pianist should not have to depend on it.

- John Browning

Rehab day 10

Single leg squats, hamstring & quads weights lift 12 x 3 sets, standing broad jump, high knee run x10 sets (nearly died while doing this!), staircase drill, 10 min run.

The(two)Rapists who make my rehab as deep as hell can bring me but amazingly fun!

Pretty meiyi with ugly me!

Karen in the uniform! this is going on my Polaroid wall! Pretty!

I love manicures

Loving my nails now~

what's wrong?

everything. 


friends. 


school. 


boys. 


family.

oh nothing, i’m fine.

Hello

I am not sad. I am not sad.
I think to myself, over and over.

Making sure that the truth isn't apparent.
Lying to myself to make my lie more convincing to others.

I am not sad. I am not sad.
Lying until it isn't a lie anymore, but the truth.

The only thing worse than being sad is having others know you are sad.

I am NOT sad.

Every morning I wake up thinking the day will be better than the one before, and before.
And every night I go to sleep with the same broken promises on my mind, a heavy heart and a heart broken face smile on my face.

I am not sad. I am not sad.

As the days progresses, I find myself wishing to be someone else, somewhere else.

Someone else, somewhere else.

I am NOT sad.

You know

I realized no one has actually really celebrated my birthday, except for the Netball girls, and which I also think that it's not because they want to, but they need to.

I see feeds on facebooks, and posts on blogs about how their whole class can celebrate their birthday for them, get them presents and stuff, get them a cake, dare the birthday girl/boy to do things in public just because it's their birthday.

I mean, I have not received presents for a long time. Neither have I had outings or what nots on my birthday. The most I'll have a cake from my Netball girls, in which less than half of them will turn up. Because usually the whole team in full force will turn up if it's like peiling's or huan's birthday or whoever's in the team. Just not mine.

Yes i admit, I'm envious. But so what? I'm not important anyway. But who I am to complain or compare anyway? I mean it's not my business anyway right? It's just a birthday, like any other day. Why are you making such a big fuss Apryl?

Tired of life

I guess the title's pretty much, self explainatory.

Rehab day 9

Zomg I'm actually penning this entry in the mrt on the way home. Rehab just ended, time check: 5.01pm.

I love weeks when I have rehab, at least I have something to look forward to during the week! :) Rehab was so so so tiring today I nearly died.

Started the session with 10 mins of cycling, followed by 10x single leg hop and squats.

Oh shit old age is catching up on me. I actually forgot what I did zzzzz.

Did hamstring and quads weight lift and I sucked at that terribly. I think I had no improvement.. And yaaaa I think I did 4 sets skipping, both forward and backwards. Then 4 sets of side steps also there and back.

Then I did leg lift (up to the hand, shoulder height), both straight and sidewards. Omgomgomg and I was literally dead after that.

Meiyi put me through the phone to Karen after rehab! Yay. She's coming back :)

Note to self: no running if knees hurt/ add in the leg lift (front and side) to daily exercises/ ice every day if possible

Love love rehab.

At the risk of sounding like a nerd

My classmates and I were into a discussion "what do you normally do after school?" during lunch time.

As we were talking, their answers were mostly "oh, I meet my friends after school" or "going out" (shopping, with boyfriend, etc).

And then I was asked the very same question. I had no answer then because all I knew is that often after school I would head straight home.

But that wasn't an answer. What do I do at home? I realized. I have an answer. I spend most of the time at home after school, before my family gets home (because they complain the sound of the piano is too loud, and I HATE playing with the mute pedal), practicing the piano.

I spend my time playing the same pieces over and over and over again, until it gets perfect for my next piano lesson. Most of the time, I can spend minimally 2 hours in front of the piano. I can practice till my palms get cramps, my knees ache from too much peddling and my back hurts from sitting upright for too long.

Nerd much, no? I choose to be at home practicing the piano when my classmates are out after school. I don't complain. In fact, I enjoy doing it.

I have (at least) one or two new pieces in addition to (at least) one or two pieces I have on hand. That makes it 4 pieces a week I need to get right in another week. It's not easy. Some times I get all the pieces right, some times I don't. But either way, I'll try my best.

Playing the piano is an escape of reality for me. Every single piece I play brings me to a different place with a different feeling. It's like Alice, in her wonderland.

So I have the answer now. What do I do after school? I play the piano. :)

"Artists paint their pictures on canvas, but musicians paint their pictures on silence."

3 more marks

If I had not screw up that scale.
If I had not missed that note during Vendetta.
I probably would have gotten my 3 marks.

I don't know how or what to describe my feelings now.

The weirdest dream

I just woke up and I just had the weirdest dream ever.

I dreamt that someone wanted to kill me because I had powers because she didn't have. (for eg: Harry potter and lord voldermort).

And for some reason I don't know why, I have dinner with her every day and on the dining table, she'd try to use her eye power to kill me.

But however, she wouldn't be able to recognize me if I had a new set of clothes and/or if I'd someone's set of worn clothes on me because I'll have someone else's scent on me thus not being able to track me down.

Then one fine day, everyone swapped clothes with each other but me (wth right?!). And jiamin was the only one without a set of swapped clothes so I begged her to change it with me but she refused. And Jinglin came and she gave me her cardigan.

For some reason I was at grandma's house and I wanted to shit and she refused to let me shit with the door close. I think I wanted to avoid that woman because she was coming over for a dinner. Because of the door thing, she saw me at home and I had to come out to have dinner with her on the same table.

Then she was chasing me, so someone drove a land rover picked me up and Junhao was inside together with Huanhui and two more people. They had a whole bag of clothes for me to choose from.

And that woman who wanted to kill me was chasing me in another car at the back.

And my dream ended.
Abruptly. Oh man. I wish I knew how it ended.

If I lay here

If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Happy birthday ms tay!

Super last min lunch meet up with the girls to eat and to celebrate Ms Tay's birthday as well! Was going crazy doing all the planning, nearly pulled all my hair off my head because it's so hard planning a lunch that caters to 9 people who studies in different schools with different timings! And to cater to Ms Tay's schedule as well. I'm so so so glad the meet up turned out fine. I love my girls so much.

And happy birthday to ms tay!!! My mommy in school (because we look alike, literally, and have the same high forehead), and the favourite teacher who has never ever given up on me. Thank you for all the things you've done for me, for the netball team, and this is why we love you so much.

xoxo, Apryl.

Team

"When all is said and done, it's not the shots that won the championship that you remember, but the friendships you made along the way."

Not the end right?

Everything's going to be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end yet right? How do I tell myself that everything's going to be okay when I already know that everything's not okay? It is not okay. They are not okay. Everything is not going fine. Seriously.

I really wonder how much longer I can hold on. My fingers are losing grip from the pole I was holding onto. Fingers are slowly releasing themselves. They are going to release themselves soon. The walls that were built to hold me back fell down.

"These things are just temporary; they are not permanent. Things will get better soon," these few sentences kept on replaying in my head, albeit a broken recorder.

But those words are not working — these words or rather, sentences are not working. The weights on my brain, they are taking their toll on me.

This is going to be a never ending battle between my heart and my brain. The former says that I'm going to survive, and the latter is currently playing the devil and says that I'm not going to survive.

But honestly, seriously I don't know how much longer I can tolerate these shit. Just how much longer? It's only been 15 months. I've got 22 more months to go... And 22 months is a long way to go...

I can do this. Yes I can.
I can't. I can't. I really can't.

Why of all people, me?
Why? Just what did I do exactly to deserve this? WHAT. Tell me. I really wish to know. Tell me.

I DEMAND FOR AN ANSWER. NOW. Anyone. Just someone. Tell me.

I am so sick of living life like this. Why can everyone lead such happy lives. Why can't i too? Why? Why?

It's okay. I am strong than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me. I'm supposed to be happy, and that's all you should ever see. Nothing else.

But if you're looking for happy, come another day.

I'm not hurt. I'm alright. I'm a lot tougher than some people think.

Maybe I shouldn't expect too much. Maybe I shouldn't expect AT ALL.

Looking back

I read my past entries and I've realized my command of the English language was so much better 2 years back. I wondered what exactly happened to it. Maybe once it's lost, it's forever gone. I really hope not because I don't want my command of the language to stay this bad forever.  Nyp, just what have you done to me? Robbed me of my (better) English standard (not that it's that good, but still, it was better) and changed me into a cheena pok.

I really wished I enjoy school. I look at other people enjoying their school life, and only me, hating on school so much every day that I have to drag my feet to school. Why is this only happening to me? I used to enjoy school so much that I wish holidays never ever existed.

I hate myself.
I feel like a dissonant chord now.
It's correct chord but audiences will think it's out of tune.

Hating life right now.

I wish my mom really knew how much I hate school. I really wish she'd try. But she wouldn't. She's not understanding that I'm struggling to pass my modules, she thinks I'm having a easy time because I'm still coping and doing reasonably well for my modules. Do I really have to fail my modules before she'll actually start believing me?

Mommy are you reading this? I hope you are. Words never get conveyed to you because I don't bother explaining myself further because you never ever believe a word I say.

Thankful

Thank you for letting me be me around you.

Thank you for never once judging me with all my silly problems in life.

Thank you for being there when my world was crumbling down on me.

Thank you for answering my past-midnight calls when I needed someone.

Thank you for tearing that wall down that was built around me.

Thank you for letting me be all childish and crazy with you.

Thank you for being in my life.

Both of Us

“and sometimes I wonder, why we care so much about the way we look and the way we talk and the way we act and the clothes we bought, how much that cost, does it even really matter?”

Fake smiles

Just gotta be seen smiling every day.
Whether you like it or not.
Suck it up.
That's how it rolls.

30DC - Day 5

5 Places you want to visit:

USA
Paris
Bangkok (haha)
Taiwan
Venice

30DC - Day 4

The meaning behind your tumblr name:

It was a really really random name!
Because I wanted a name close to the heart (bullshit, yes I know)
and something related to Experiment 626
and I figured out that stitch(es) comes in a package with threads
so there!

Motivation

Exams are finally over and the past week has been one of the most stressful weeks I'd for a while. It wasn't much of the "exams are coming" kind of stress, but rather they're the kind of "I seriously don't know anything because I haven't been paying much attention in class" kind of stress and wanting to learn everything I've learnt for the past 8 weeks in just a week.

I know it's my fault for being that way, although I'd admit that I was really daydreaming for most of the math lectures. But I really paid attention for programming which I really understood nothing, and Mr Chai isn't much of a help though. But this is tertiary education and I can't do much about teachers not wanting to teach and having PMS all of a sudden for some godforsaken reason.

And after 1 week of intense mugging, I finally got my math somewhere up, with the help of Felicia who taught me a lot of math!!! She's a freaking genius I swear. And programming paper was....(finds word to insert) no comments. I really really hope to pass.

I have 6 more days before the new term starts, which equates more stress because it's when all the projects are due and I have many on hand which are undone (partly because they're group work and we're all busy during the holidays...excuses yes I know). And I'm someone who can't handle stress well.

I don't know why, I have more motivation in getting a really difficult piece on the piano rather than studying......I really wanna enjoy studying like how I really enjoy playing the piano. Sigh.

Okay abrupt ending my brain isn't function really well tonight.

Friendless, but it's okay.

"I guess I chose to, again, draw the line.
I just feel it would be really complicated to mix the personal and the professional.
One friend is more than enough,
I'd rather just have my social circle,
Which you can't even call a circle 'cos I have only a few friends.
So if we go out for dinner.
I'd be able to put away the work"
- Rui En

Exact same thoughts I have right now.
I have no friends, but that's okay.
It's better than having a thousand fake friends all around.
What's the problem with spending time alone?
I like spending time alone, I don't know why people are so scared of being alone.

Rehab day 8

My knee's having a fever.
So apparently it's rather inflamed right now :(

Knee's been hurting so no weight bearing exercises for today!
Did weights for quads and hamstring, and my strength improved!
Didn't take note of the weights though..

Was talking about jobs and was asked by meiyi to do pt.
But there's no way I can do pt unless I go overseas :(
So meiyi suggested for me to do music therapy! :)
But I just checked it out... No school's offering art/music therapy for bachelor's degree.
Sigh..

Balanced on the air space thingy, then switched over to the foam board.
Threw balls while balancing on that, but I sucked at it cos I couldn't multitask.
Went up and down the steps for a while.
Then did 90 deg leg lift!
Then 10 minutes cycle which nearly killed me.

Was fun!
I love physio.
So much laughter and joy.

30 DC - Day 3

Your day, in great detail:

I woke up at 4.30 am in attempt to revise and do some math, in which I succeeded, and was done with it at around 5.40 and went back to sleep, and I slept in till 11am.

After waking up, I went to wash up, and ate two bananas for brunch and lazed around, using instagram and surfing the net with my phone. Soon after that, I went to bathe and change and head out of the house for my piano lesson. I took 859 to the mrt station and alighted at Orchard MRT station.

I bumped into le dearest piano teacher on the way and we walked to kms together. I watched the teacher ate her lunch before we started our lesson. I didn't bring any books for lesson today -- I thought it'd be a new start for me because exams were finally over but I don't know why everyone at kms found it funny that I didn't bring any books.

We went through a bit of theory and we had some htht after that. (I'm so glad apart from being my teacher, she's like my advisor about life, everything.) We went to choose new books for my lesson and we settled for Heller's technical book for fingering, and I'll have another new book next week! Yay. I haven't played a new song since six months ago.. So I was really looking forward to playing new songs.

We tried playing the "Heart and Soul" duet, which was an ultimate failure because WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY :( But we'll try again next week! I hope we'll succeed though.. :) Then the teacher played the songs from the new book for me to listen, taught me about the history about the musicians, and the pieces of songs; why they composed the songs and what were their feelings as they did so, and that went on for quite a long time. Lesson ended quite soon after because this lesson was an hour only!

Met Carmelle after the lesson and as planned, we had Everything with Fries for late lunch! I had the Pork Katsu burger, and she had the slider! We both had sour cream and onion fries and we lovvvved it so much! She's like my twin, literally because we love the same things! :) So glad to have her as my friend. And meeting her every fortnight is becoming a habit.

We caught up for quite a while and we did some window shopping, and I bumped into Charmaine at KnightsBridge's Topshop! I think my restraint of buying things is getting better!!!!! (Carmelle is going to shake her head at this statement tho ;p) We continued (window) shopping (but not very window because we STILL had to buy something) until we reached the other end of orchard so we setttled down for Sour Sally, our standard routine! :)

OKAY IM LAZY TO CONTINUE

I HAVE REHAB TOMORROW

ITS 1244 AM ALREADY

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO REHAB

AND SEEING MEIYI TOMORROW

(not studying after that)

Bye xx

Post piano exam

After six months of  (2 hr/lesson) crazy intensifying piano lessons, the most dreaded piano exam is finally over. I finally understand what it meant by screwing up even with so much effort and practice put in. I chose to start the exam with scales+arpeggios/exercises, and when the examiner requested for the Bb harmonic minor scale, I totally blanked out, and I really meant blanked out. I couldn't remember what on earth was that scale.. I didn't know what I played for that four octaves of scales, up and down. I really don't know. I wish I could slap myself on the face. I practiced so hard, done so much, and I screwed up the very first item. I missed notes here and there during the 3 songs, but I don't know whether the examiner noticed it, I'm sure he did, but I'm crossing fingers here that he did not. Sight reading was a screw up, I'm as bad as always. Ear test wasn't that bad after all,  I hope.  Only couldn't spot the final question on changes for pitch. Sigh. I hope to do well. Maybe I should say, I hope to pass. I worked so hard for this.. I really did.

30DC - Day 2

10 likes & dislikes

Likes:
1. Playing the piano
2. Attending Piano lessons
3. Attending physiotherapy sessions
4. Lilo & STITCH
5. Taylor swift + her songs
6. The colours red, pink, yellow
7. Eating good food
8. Buying new clothes
9. Tight tight hugs
10. Handwritten letters, things from the heart

Dislikes:
1. SCHOOL, I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL (even dislike is an understatement)
2. Attending school
3. Going to school
4. Not being able to study music, psychology, physiotherapy
5. Not being able to play Netball
6. School
7. No best friend
8. School
9. School
10. Still school

30DC - Day 1

Write some basic things about yourself:

Apryl
Eighteen
Female
Singaporean

30 days challenge

Wanna try this out!