Sometimes I wonder

What I really want in life. I'm in a course that I absolutely hate, and I really dread going to school every single day. And I really really mean dread. It's seriously a chore to drag my feet to school everyday and I don't even know why I even attend school. I mean, I attend school just because I have no, not that I want to. This dread is becoming fear. I really fear going to school everyday, to pay attention in lectures/tutorials/labs and not understand a single thing. Not because I don't want to, because I cannot understand. It's not within my means. I'm really not cut out for this course. And I'm not giving up without a fight. I tried studying. Sk hard. But I'm still doing really badly. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Why am I studying something I dread, I fear, so badly? It doesn't help that my tutors has given up on me, has been constantly telling me I'm in the wrong course. I mean, if I had a choice, I wouldn't be here too right?

I want to go to school because I want to. No body understands the fear I am facing just having to go to school alone. I wish somebody did. I want to study something I'm interested in, something I'm passionate about, something I'm willing to take as my job in the future. But all these seem so.. Far. They seem like a dream. And dreams and reality are mutually exclusive. They do not co-exist.

I'm trying to love what I'm doing. But the current situation isn't helping me. I want to study something I really like, love. I'm lost. I need a direction. I'm tired. I'm drained. Do you understand the tiredness I face just by dreading to go to school everyday alone? You don't.

Rehab day 7

BY FAR THE MOST TORTUROUS REHAB SESSION IN HISTORY, MEIYI WAS INSANE TODAY I SWEAR.

Hahaha, it was tiring but still fun! So apparently I haven't been doing my squats properly so I had to change my posture.

24 dynamic lunges X 3 sets
Hamstring lift (L/R) 12 each X 3 sets
Quads lift (L/R) 12 each X 3 sets
Back leg lift 12 each X 3 sets
Single leg squats (L) 12 each X 3 sets

So far my leg strength is crazily weak, so I really really got to work on that. 60 pounds / 7 pounds (Quads x Hamstring) for left leg,
30 pounds / 1 pound for right leg.

The whole rehab center knows that I had hell rehab today, haha. But I'm so glad for all of these. So glad to be in paeds because my therapists wants me to get well more than I want myself. :) :) :) I'm thankful.

Virgin post op run

Decked in team canberra's jersey because i felt more motivated to run in it. Because I know they'll always have my back. ;)

Ran about 3 km and it took around 15-20 minutes. Not a lot, but I'm trying. Was tiring but am glad I managed to complete the distance without stopping! Knee's still very weak and I can really feel it but I will work on it. :)

Or so they say

Everyone's telling you,
"Just be happy"
(as if it's such an easy thing)

But it's so hard
To leave yourself
When you're running from..

Yourself.

Rehab day 6

138 degree bend. Granted permission to run. Played hop skotch with meiyi. Jumped on the trampoline. Did squats and lunges. Muscles aching like mad but am absolutely loving the aches.

Piano lesson at parkway parade today. The journey there and back home wad crazy, at least 4 hours traveling time in total. Super exhausted right now but it's all really worth it.

The piano at parkway was hollow and super loud as compared to the musky ones I use in my classroom in paragon. Screwed up today's lesson slightly but I cannot blame the piano, I just got to get used to the different kind of pianos. Need to work on it. I am really blessed for my piano teacher. Appreciate and really enjoy every single lesson I have with her. Shopping after lesson + htht in the cab on the way back. Am reallyy thankful for her. She's like the only teacher who has never given up on me. I need to work really hard. I don't want to disappoint.

Here

I am here

Holding the piece together.

Tethered,

Like a squeaky merry-go-round

Flying like a hundred nylon kites,

Swooping tips,

Swirling tails.

Me, knotting the past to the pesent.

Over under; under over.

Holding on to remains,

With one hand.

My other palm,

Waving in tomorrow.

School

School has thoroughly drained all my energy out of me.
The first thing I look forward to once I step out of the house is to go back home.
I've never been this tired before.
I need to sleep.
I want to sleep.